The freaks come out at night.
And when you work in a porn shop, they also come out during the day.
For example, the first customer I had of the day, it took me a few minutes to decide if this person was biologically male or female. Which is fine, that’s not the weird part, everyone calm down.
However, as I was helping her (conclusively), a couple entered the shop. One younger woman, maybe in her late twenties with the largest breasts I have ever seen. Larger, in fact, than a human head. Which, compared to a standard breast, is pretty damn big.
And her (as I later learned) fiance was an older man, probably late fifties. A college professor (oh my).
Annnnd she’s just a little bundle of… something. Following me around the store, telling my customers they’re beautiful and making suggestions as to what lingerie they should buy. Okay, love, you don’t work here. Please stop hounding the customers.
“WHERE ARE YOUR TOYS?”
I get this question a lot. Half the store is toys, I, for one, don’t really understand how people can’t find them.
Regardless, it’s my job to guide them there, so I do.
"WHERE IS YOUR ANAL STUFF HEEHEEHEE."
"Oh that’s right over here."
Annnnd the fiance interjects, “Honey are you ready to go?”
"HOLD ON. I NEED THE," and then she whispers (though still rather loudly), "silver bullet.”
"Baby, I’ve already got it," he says.
"I KNEW THERE WAS A REASON I WANTED TO MARRY YOU. ISN’T HE WONDERFUL? I NEVER GET TO COME HERE. I LOVE THIS STORE. HE ALWAYS COMES HERE WITHOUT ME."
And he slyly slips in, “There’s a reason for that.” Though I don’t think she caught on to that…
So he bought her a body stocking
and a pair of $85 boots
(yes I put this deliciously trashy outfit together myself).
Tack on the toys, batteries, expensive porn, lube, etc., the man threw down a good $200 on this psycho lady.
So they’re at the register and she just starts babbling, “GOD YOU ARE JUST GORGEOUS. I COULD JUST TAKE YOU HOME AND EAT YOU UP. CAN I EAT YOUR UP? BABY ISN’T SHE JUST BEAUTIFUL?”
(Please read “the fiance’s” lines in a voice reminiscent of Ben Stein (the clear eyes guy))
"Not as beautiful as you. No offense you’re very beautiful but what can I say I’m in love."
Wow, really convincing there, champ. Try not to be so passionate at your wedding.
Needless to say I declined the offer to be taken home, and uh… eaten up. Raincheck?